Bulletproof

“All that I know is I’m breathing. All I can do is keep breathing.”

If I were going to pick up smoking it would be now. For real, the amount of stress that my anatomy class is already putting under is enough to make anyone smoke. Ahaha. But don’t worry, I’m not serious...at least I don’t think. I’ll save my smoking for those occasional cravings that generally come when under the influence of alcohol. You know what I’m talking about, right?

“This time, baby, I’ll be bulletproof”

So my last post was all about starting up my second semester at school, but I felt that I should fill you all in on what else has been up in my life since getting back to school. Probably the only noteworthy thing is whatever happened with Dan.

Yeah...

What did happen with that? Well...it’s whatever. I mean, it’s not whatever, but I need to make sure that’s how I feel about it, because I can’t be emotionally connected anymore. I’ve already figured out that, that isn’t going to work out well for me.

For the record, I’m pretty okay now. I’m moving on. Sometimes I stop and feel really sad and hurt. But for the most part being bitter is covering that up. The only difficulty I’ve been having is being truly angry at him. I don’t know why, either! I need to be angry at him, he was a douchebag, but I guess I’m just unwilling to believe that I was wrong about him. That everyone was wrong about him.

But it’s getting easier to be angry. It’s getting easier because I’m starting to think of all the reasons he should regret letting things end. I mean, I’m starting to wonder what direction that kid is taking his life in. The other morning Sammy and I were talking about him and just how screwed up he’s made his life. He did really poorly in school last semester and now his parents are threatening to make him move back home next year. So, instead of working his ass off this semester to get good grades he’s going to class high every day. I just don’t understand why someone could have so little motivation to change the way things are. He’s 20 years old for God’s sake!? And he’s okay with living in his parents house? Not being able to be around his friends who all live and socialize in the city? For what? So he can lay around and smoke all day? I just don’t understand it...and I guess I’m starting to see that it’s for the better that it’s not really any of my concern anymore.

That’s the thing though...that makes me so angry, but at the same time makes me feel like I should help. I have this thing where I feel like once I get emotionally involved--be it romantically or just platonically--I feel like it’s my duty to help. I WANT to help Dan, and I felt like when I thought we might get together, I COULD help. You always want to be the person that can get someone to change their ways. I wanted to be that for him. And that’s where things get a little messy for me.

But there’s no point holding on. If he doesn’t want me, I guess that’s his loss. I know I want my next relationship to be real. And if he can’t be that for me it’s not really worth my time. Maybe some time in the future he’ll come to his senses and we can work something out, but I’m not going to to hold out for him.

Looking past all the emotional shit that things falling through with Dan means, I’d like to take this moment to please get a high-five from all of you guys for getting with not just one but BOTH of the Caparrelli brothers! Woo-woo! Haha, if anything, I am glad I achieved that goal. Now Sammy and Kae are just trying to see how many other guys from that group of people I can get with. Ahaha.... Probably should stay away from getting too involved with any of them for now. But, I’ll keep my option open, you never know. I did, after all, say I never would get with Daniel, and look how that turned out. So I’m not going to disregard anything, but I’m also not going to invest in anything as of now.

“It's all false love and affection”

Thank God February is a short month. I hate February. But this year mine is actually really busy. At least that will mean it will hopefully fly by. I can’t wait for March. For spring break, warmer weather, and the end of winter! I just ordered a whole bunch of new spring clothing online earlier this week. I’m going for a very antique look: lots of florals, lace, and silky/sheer tops. I feel like being in Richmond has really pushed me to take a few more risks with fashion and kind of develop more of a specific look for myself. I think I’ve also invested in some really good signature pieces for the upcoming season. I bought a pair of high-waisted shorts, a couple of sheath dresses, black bloomers (which I’m sooo psyched to wear), and even a romper (american apparel has another one I really want but it’s so damn expensive).

Also, my search for an apartment for next year has been steadily improving. Yesterday I found two really cute houses in the Fan that are actually really convenient for going to class on the Monroe Park Campus. We’ve (that is Kae, Lauren, and I) have decided that we’re just going to stay put for the next three years instead of searching for another apartment downtown our Junior year. Kae and I will just take the bus down to MCV for classes then. For one thing, the apartments downtown are more expensive and also a lot less cool. And also all our friends will be down on the main campus so it would be more convenient for socializing. Oh, and one of the apartments is on Park Avenue, which is where Lizz’s grandparents live, right? The house looks so cool from the outside (it's the house in the picture above), I can’t wait to go tour it!!

Love you,

Cougzzz