“So take it as a song or a lesson to learn
And sometime soon be better than you were”
So, sorry for the mass influx of posts by me, but I’ve been in the mood to write a lot lately!
First, I thought the thing at the end of Lizz’s post was really interesting. Today in my Focused Inquiry class we were talking about groups of people that were oppressed and my teacher asked us if we thought that women are oppressed and all these girls in my class were talking about how they thought we were and then Kae and I brought up the fact that we thought that women who still wanted to be homemakers were more oppressed then independent women because other women are always looking down on women that are happy being domestic. I think it’s true, I honestly get really upset when I have to listen to feminist talk. In that sense I believe that my views on women’s place is very old-fashioned. As much as I want to have a successful career, the idea of cooking my family dinner and taking care of the kids is really appealing to me and I get angry when people tell me that I shouldn’t be resigned to working “the 2nd shift” at home. I know I’m an independent woman, despite the fact that I like the idea of being a homemaker. I think if I had to rate those five things in order of importance I’d probably say: emotional wellbeing, social relationships, rewarding career, physical health, and spiritual growth.
“My eyes can't look at you any other way.”
Second, I just wanted to say that I’m really glad I started going back to the gym again. I love how I can feel and see the change in my body as it gets more toned. And it’s true about those endorphins, I just feel so much more energized and confident after I’ve been to the gym. Over the weekend I took advantage of Grace not being in the room for the night and decided to sleep in only my towel. (I’d never really done that before this year except on really hot summer nights, but after my few nights at Daniel’s, sleeping without my top on I realized how good it feels). At any rate, as I was brushing my hair before bed I happened to glance over in the mirror and was honestly impressed by how I looked. I don’t mean to brag, but I love my body!! I could see the subtle definition of muscle on my thighs from my time on the treadmill and stationary bike. And my boobs looked so perky and my stomach was nice and smooth. When I faced the mirror straight on I could admire my thin waist and if I turned around I could see the dimples on my back. Even my arms are starting to get muscle tone! Basically my way of counteracting being upset about things with Dan is making myself the best I can be, both inside and out. I’ve been eating healthier, working out, investing in a new wardrobe and working on clearing up my skin. It makes me feel better because I’m beginning to feel like he never deserved me anyway. And maybe he’ll even regret letting me go? I’m starting to realize I can do so much better then him, and I deserve someone that not only cares about me but cares about themselves and their future.
Despite the whole Dan fiasco, the other day I stopped and thought about it and realized how much I love the people I’ve made friendships with this year. I've been thinking about it a lot since the weekend. On Friday Joey invited us all over to his place, so Lauren and I braved the sleet and the cold and walked all the way out to 3rd street. Needless to say we were soaking wet and freezing when we got there, but it ended up being worth it. After two straight weekends of me partying way to hard for my own good, I had decided to take a break from any hardcore partying and had decided not to purchase in drank for the evening. We had some leftover beers from the previous weekend, so I indulged in one so I could participate in a game of Kings and then a game of Fuck the Dealer. However, everyone else was outdoing themselves. But, I was having fun and proud of myself for being able to control the urge to take advantage of Dan in his VERY drunken state (this was the first time he’d gotten ridiculously drunk in ages. At one point he was just sitting there lip-syncing the words to the 90s rap song that plays at the beginning of Office Space...hilarious). Around midnight almost everyone decided to call it a night (on the plus side this included the dirty hippies like Rachel who had previously been jumping around pretending to be pikachu and Scott. But the downside was that Andy, Kae, and Lauren all wanted to leave as well and Andy was my ride home). I really wanted to stay but I didn’t want to stay behind if it was just going to be Joe, Joey, Dan, and Jimmy, on account of not wanting it to look like I was hanging around just to be near Dan. So I convinced Sammy to stay with me so that there was another girl around. Basically after everyone else left it was so much more chill. Everyone wanted to smoke so I indulged in one hit and got pleasantly lazy and Sammy, Joe, Jimmy, and I all took a couple of vodka shots. Everyone was just being really nice and chill. I went out with Sammy and Joe when they went to smoke cigarettes on the balcony and we just talked about our philosophies on marriage and relationships and I realized how much Sammy and I have in common as far as our opinions on that stuff. Then when we went back inside Joey was like, “Miko! I really love partying with you! You and me get high at the exact same pace and we have the same birthday! It’s freaking awesome!” Haha. I really love Joey. I know that comment sounds like something only a drunk person would say, but Joey is always like that about me, even when he’s sober (too bad he has a girlfriend that he’s totally in love with). Then after me and Sammy’s third shot, Joe made me coffee out of his french press, which was very delicious and we all just vegged out. Joey reminded me of the first time we met and Dan played some more 90s music, and we all just chilled. It was really nice. Before we left I ran into Dan in the hallway on the way to the bathroom and high-fived and it was really nice because even though I initiated the first high five he totally high-fived me a second time and then even hugged me goodbye as I left. In the car, Joe and I just talked about classical music and shit like that. I guess I really liked that I was able to drink and smoke and have fun but I also realized I could control myself (unlike the previous two weekends). And I love that everyone is so accepting and chill and I can just talk with all of them about lots of different stuff.
Lastly, as I stated in my earlier post, I’ve continued to be ultra-stressed about my studying for anatomy. I have my first practical in lab this week and I’m really nervous about it. But, the other day I was in the library and I was feeling like their was no way I would ever learn all the stuff I needed to learn for the test and I started questioning why I’m even going to school for nursing. But I realized, the thing that kind of sucks about all this is that I really can’t give up and switch my major, no matter how overwhelming it seems, because nursing is like the one career I have a real passion to pursue. There are things that come easier to me, like music or any other type of art, but being a nurse enables me to do the one thing I’m most driven to pursue. So I guess I’ll be sticking it out. I’ve been studying for the practical every night so far so at least I’m trying my hardest, I suppose.
“Knowing up here, there comes a fork in the road, pants have gotta go, we're on an island on the fourth of July, looks like the tide is going home.”
-Cougzzz
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