September 18th and 21st, 2009

September 18^th. 2009

I was interested to read about the development of Bailey and Mika’s ideas about sex and relationship, and pleased that other people feel the same way I do about these things! That is to say, I really agree with most of the points Big D. and Cougzz made, especially regarding the notion that sex doesn’t HAVE to be a huge deal if you don’t want it to be. But I’d like to develop on that idea…

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex before marriage, like most people our age… and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex with someone you don’t love either. Personally, I always wanted to have sex with someone I loved for my *first time*, and I definitely think there’s a lot of merit in that idea- basically, if it’s with someone you love the first time you do it, you’re going to have an overall positive experience and generally enjoy it, no matter how rough the going is, which means you don’t risk developing weird sexual issues as a result of having a traumatic losing-your-virginity incident. I also firmly believe that there’s no way sex with someone you don’t love can possibly be as pleasurable as having sex with someone you love, but it’s like… Chick-fil-A makes the best chicken sandwiches, right? But does that mean you’re only ever going to eat or enjoy Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches? I don’t think so. The point is that sex is at the most primal level an act that physically pleasurable, and I don’t see why that can’t just be enough sometimes. Have sex with someone you love when you first want to have sex, because you’ll trust him and desire him and it’s safe… but if that love doesn’t last forever, and you find yourself back on the market after a few months, years, take some pleasure for yourself (especially because I think it’d be really hard to stop having regular sex once you’ve started, haha) and let it be just pure, selfish pleasure.

I remember, when I started dating Reed, I thought a lot about an issue that Mika brought up: in high school, people tend to set standards or “goals” for themselves in relationships, like “If we’re together for a year, I’ll have sex with him.” I realized very quickly with Reed that that wasn’t going to work… I wanted him, I knew I wanted to be with him in that way, and I new I wasn’t going to want to wait X number of months to have sex with him. I realized shortly after coming to that conclusion what a silly, superficial way of measuring the security of a relationship that is… and part of me felt guilty, thinking that I would be having sex with Reed three months after starting to date him, because that sounded like it was too soon, but I then started to think about the adult world, and that in all the books and movies we’re exposed to sex on the third date isn’t something given a second thought, much less sex by the third month. For adults, like Mika said, sex is just another step in a relationship, if that’s what you want it to be. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. At least, not in that sense.

I think sex is a big deal in a different way, I guess you could say. Sex… completely changes your relationship with someone- at least if it’s honest and real. At least if you take the time and the courage to express your desires and your fantasies and all the little things you’re self conscious about, it completely changes your relationship. I don’t think that it’s responsible to get married to someone without having had sex with them, honestly (and I hope, if any of you are planning on waiting until marriage for sex, that you don’t take offense to this and hear me out), because you get to know a personal, know the emotionally, in a while new dimension after you open yourself up to them like that. It’s a big deal because it unlocks a whole new world of intimacy and gives a new meaning to the words “being comfortable with a person”… and there’s no way around it, there’s no alternate route that I know of to get to that place in a relationship. I can only speak from my own experience and what I’ve gathered through observation, but those are the conclusions I’ve come to when it’s all taken in and ordered and pieced together.

Reading Bailey’s thoughts, in particular, on her attitude towards sex as a sort of extension of the life style she wants made me think a lot about myself. As you’ve all probably heard me say, I stop in my tracks at least once a day and ask myself how this got to be my life… not that I’m not happy with it, just that it’s so different than what I envision for myself. I thought I’d be that nonchalant twenty-something: young and witty and bold, with all sorts of prospects for romance and physical satisfaction. I thought I’d get married a seasoned woman… I thought I’d have numerous different boyfriends over the course of my life, and that’s not even mentioning the casual hook-ups I’d have had that didn’t become anything more. I took what I knew about myself- that I’m very flirtatious, that I’m sexually liberal (theoretically- that’s not to say I’m liberal with sexual favors), that I like to party and have fun and do what feels good in the moment... that, frankly, boys like me and I’ve always been good at attracting them or at least piquing their interest- and I formulated a picture in my head of what my future would look like based on that. But it turns out that that’s not going to be my future… and it turns out that I was looking at the wrong parts of myself the whole time. I wasn’t thinking about the fact that I’m an intense person prone to extreme emotions and deep attachments, or the fact that I’m extremely demanding of people and have unreasonably high expectations of people I get close to in particular. It seems so obvious now, that the future I envisioned for myself was never going to be a reality… I’m too serious and too needy, to put it plainly, to be happy in a relationship that didn’t feel like it was the real thing. All the things that are the most important to me about my relationship with Reed- the positively constricting sense of security and stability, the unyielding and constant devotion we feel towards one another, the easiness that comes when you feel as if a person is an extension of yourself rather than another individual- would never have possibly occurred in a more casual relationship. It’s just funny… sometimes you just surprise yourself, you know? Maybe some of you will find that too, when you start to get to know yourself as you are in a relationship.

Moving on, it seem like y’all have lots of ideas for tattoos! Haha… I continue to toy with idea of getting one with the sort of sense that I’ll never actually do it. I was thinking that if I did get something it’d be kind of cool if it had some sort of tie to Virginia Tech, like a “VT” or something in maroon and orange, so I appreciated that Bailey is considering the same sort of thing for her hummingbird. But more realistically, I’m really thinking of getting my eyebrow pierced again! Reed, as a way of making up for his earlier reluctance, has offered to take me to get it whenever I want it and is constantly touching the corner of my eyebrow and saying how pretty it’ll be. Honestly, for me it’s always more about making sure everyone knows that I could do it (whatever “it” is) than about actually doing the thing itself, so who knows if I’ll really go through with they eyebrow piercing after all, but I certainly like the idea.

In other news in my life… classes are interesting, in more than the conventional sense. The theories we study in Communication continue to be both interesting and frustratingly abstract… we’ve been discussing what happens when people act in a way that runs counter to our expectation of how they should act, how people go about reducing uncertainty when engaged in an initial encounter with a stranger, and the mutual responsibility two people share for the success of an interaction (obviously we’ve moved from intrapersonal theories onto interpersonal theories). I won’t go into more details on those, at least until I’ve read through the chapters in the book, which I plan to do this weekend.

Spanish continues to be a strange sort of joy to me… we’re doing “family words” now and we have our first paired conversation in a week. I wish I could just sit there all class and listen to the language spoken, just be allowed to appreciate the sound of it- I’m thoroughly convinced there’s no tongue more pleasing to the ear. I have to work hard (probably a little bit harder than I’m working now, if truth be told) if I want to get an A, but it’s the most enjoyable sort of work I have.

European History is maybe my easiest class at the moment… I did well on the first test (though not as well as Reed did, much to the chagrin of my competitive side). One thing that interested me that we discussed recently was the development of the concept of race as we know it today… it’s not something I’d ever given much thought to, since it seemed so obvious to me that the main marker of race should be skin color, but it turns out that that notion was actually one that developed over time and as a result of a number of interesting forces and events. I also realized that my professor sounds exactly like Kermit the Frog, which has turned out to be a little bit distracting.

I have no idea what’s even going on in Geology I feel like, so I don’t have much to say about it… I should probably bother to figure out what’s up before we get to the first test. I know that the subject we’re covering is igneous, metamorphic, and sedimentary rocks, but I just can’t imagine how my professor’s been lecturing on that one topic for the past two weeks… though we do get a lot of down time every class, so maybe that has something to do with it. We also have a lot of “fluffy” homework assignments and extra-credit opportunities, so as of right now I’m not too concerned about doing well in that class.

And who would have thought that my easiest college class would be Calculus? Four quizzes and one test in, my average is still 100%. I’ve come to really appreciate the online format of the class… we have the option to take practice quizzes at home, as often as we want, and the questions on the practices quizzes are drawn from the same bank of (on average) eleven questions that the quiz and test questions are drawn from (obviously the test questions are drawn from a bank containing all of the possible quiz questions), so all you really have to do is allot about two hours before you want to take the quiz to go through the practice quizzes and make sure you’ve seen and figured out all the possible questions, and so then there’s never any surprises on actual graded work. It’s more an exercise in memorization than anything else… and it is helping a lot that I’ve taken Calculus before. I’m happy to say that this class looks like it’s going to be an easy A.

We won our game last week against Marshall handily, and my family came out to visit and tailgate with the Hornsbys, which was awesome. Well, the part about my family being there was awesome… visiting with the Hornsbys, at least for me, was a little bit tension-fraught. As I was saying to Mika the other day… I’m increasingly convinced that Mrs. Hornsby has some very real, though not especially serious, issues with me. I know it’s my fault as much as anything, as much as I might play innocent to Reed; I’m a very possessive and, as I said above, demanding person, and I can see how that would rub a parent the wrong way. Even still, I want to be liked and it sucks that I feel like I’m being constantly jabbed at when I’m talking to Reed’s mother… it’s just like, she’d be talking with my mom and my mom would say something like “So how are you adjusting to not having Reed around?” and she’d be like “Ooh, honestly he wasn’t really around much before he left for school anyways, if you know what I mean.” Like you can tell she totally resents the ways in which I’ve (inevitably, I might mention) taken Reed away from her… like seriously, while Reed was at the football game and us women were back at the tailgate chatting, every time Reed texted me with an update on the game and I’d say something about it she’d be like “Ooh yes, you’re the only one he can actually be bothered to keep in contact with… he never tells me anything, but he’s always texting you.” It was that sort of thing every time I was with his family over the course of the weekend. I know she’s half joking, but… the other half is definitely NOT joking, so what am I supposed to do with that?

And then I ended up, later in the week, sort of blowing up at Reed about how I’m “never going to be like his parents and their friends [several other couples/families, friends of the Hornsbys, were at the tailgate], which was probably not the most diplomatic thing to do. My relationship with his family is probably the most touchy area of our relationship… he’ll put me over them, choose me rather than them, but not all the time, so it’s the one subject where I’m actually uncertain of how far I can push the limits of what he’ll accept. Still, what I said wasn’t, unlike most things in my life, calculated… I genuinely felt overwhelmed by the enormity of the differences I saw between those people and myself. And that’s not even regarding the fact that they’re all die-hard Republicans (seriously… they were wearing stickers, at a football game, come on)! It’s the women, really… it has to do with what I’ve been exposed to in my life, I suppose. One thing I’ve never seen my mom do is engage in gossip with anyone other than her own mother, and even that’s rare. She just flat-out doesn’t gossip, not outside of the family at least… and so it’s strange for me even still, being in a group of women sitting around drinking and gossiping. And it disturbs me… don’t get me wrong, I gossip, but it’s just that I’ve always felt like grown women should be beyond that, you know? Or at least mostly beyond it, or at least not sitting around blatantly indulging in it. I really hated being in that situation, with Mrs. Hornsby and her girlfriends… they were in one sense everything I idolize, wealthy and confident and ooh so Southern, and in another sense everything I can’t stand, because the wealth and the special confidence that comes with that kind of wealth and old Southern glamour are things that will at best always be second nature to me, not completely natural. So that was… a little uncomfortable. But I talked stuff out with Reed and he definitely respects that that’s not ever going to be something I’m going to want to or be able to embrace completely.

I’m combining this entry with one I wrote today, so we’re going to switch over now:

September 21^st, 2009

Well, I had the perfect weekend. Absolutely perfect. Like… I don’t think I’ve experienced anything that one-hundred-percent “right” in a long, long time.

To begin with, Fariha went home for the weekend. I don’t mean that in an unkind way, like I couldn’t wait to get rid of her or something, but… the prospect of having the room to myself for a few days was really exciting to me. More accurately, the prospect of Reed and I having the room to ourselves for a few days was really exciting to me! I can’t even tell you… so starting around midday on Friday, Reed and I got to post up just the two of us and just play house, basically. We spent Friday afternoon lying in bed, having sex and watching the Office and sleeping intermittently. Perfect. Then we went out to cocktails with Mr. Hornsby, who was in town for the football game, and that was perfectly pleasant as well… at least until David and Tyler showed up.

Now here’s where the “perfect-ness” of the weekend gets to be in jeopardy: David and Tyler insisted on taking us out for the night. I even (and you’ll remember getting my text message about this) had to see Tyler in both just his boxers and just a towel, which was upsetting (he was getting ready to go out, back at his dorm). Then we had to go wait for the bus, ride the bus all the way out to this wherever this stupid frat party was supposed to be, walk all the way out wherever the stupid frat party really was, and then we get there and it’s just miserable. The house is packed, like you literally could not move, and it’s not like we knew a one of those people, so that’s not much fun for us. Ooh, and all they were serving was natty light. I got a cup, to have something to hold, and promptly said to Reed “I feel bad that I’m wasting their beer, but there’s no way in hell I’m drinking this.” I’m sorry, I can barely stand beer to begin with, and natty light is, as you all are aware I’m sure, infamous for being the most shit-beer anyone could ever imagine. So Reed said to Tyler after about twenty minutes of standing around awkwardly that we were heading back to the bus stop, confirming that he really is the love of my life. We went back to the bus stop, got on the bus, and eventually ended up back at campus (though we had to endure about 20 minutes of a busload of really fucking drunk college kids screaming “Let’s go… HOKIES” and singing at the top of their lungs before we made it home). I should mention that, though you can find plenty of bumpin’ parties absolutely packed with drunk college kids on any night of the week at Tech, Thursday through Saturday at least, this past weekend was the last weekend of fall rush, so it’s like the biggest party night of the year. Like insane. Needless to say, Reed and I are much more suited to staying in on nights such as that.

But we got back to my dorm and had a damn good time; we watched more of the Office, then we had some more sex (haha), and then we got to fall asleep in each other’s arms and not having to worry about roommates or setting alarms or anything in the whole entire world. It was the first night we’d ever spent together all alone and all the way through the night, and it was heaven. We woke up in the morning and had sex some more (hahaha…) and then, after spending a sufficient amount of time just lazing around in bed, Reed went off to his dorm and I went off to the shower, so we could both get ready to go to the tailgate.

The tailgate was just delightful as well. Mr. Hornsby was running it with about fifteen of his friends from various capacities- fellow alumni, work buddies, his brother Chip- and Reed and V.J. and I had a great time just hanging out, throwing around the football, and eating lamb chops. Reed and I tried to get tickets for the game, but they were selling for like $200.00 a piece and it’s not like we have that kind of money (it was a big game, us versus Nebraska), so we hung around the stadium to hear “Enter Sandman” and see the planes fly over and see them bring in the cannon (all Tech traditions… though a lot of schools do “Enter Sandman” I think) and then went back to my dorm to watch the game on my t.v..

And what a game it was! Our defense was pretty damn impressive, as usual, and we kept Nebraska from actually scoring a touchdown all game, despite some really, really fucking close calls. Unfortunately, our offense is total shit, like we couldn’t get a down, for Christ’s sake. It was really, really frustrating. Tyrod was looking so nervous and aside from a touchdown early on in the game, we were basically sucking at everything except for keeping them from scoring. We kept it to no more than three points either way at any given point in the game, but were losing by, like, two I think going into the half. And if we were ineffectual in the first half, our offense was pathetic in the second half. As it got down to the end of the fourth quarter Reed was just about ready to give up… the score was 15-10 them… we had literally run seven yards, SEVEN YARDS in the entire second half. We fucked up what we thought was gonna be our last possession and it looked like it was all over… but then somehow time work in our favor and we got the ball back with, like, literally a minute to go. Reed was like “Well, we’ve run seven yards the entire half, now all we have to go is run eighty in the next minute”, like all bitter and sarcastically… and then WE FUCKING DID IT. Tyrod actually threw a decent pass and the receiver ran with it. The final score was 16-15… we were ecstatic, like jumping up and down screaming. Ooh, and one thing that was kind of cool- the game was on five second delay on the t.v. and since my dorm looks right out on the stadium we could hear the crowd five seconds before we actually saw whatever happened… that made it interesting.

So obviously everyone was overjoyed after the game… we headed back out to the tailgate, got some food, hung out for a while, and then back to the dorm. God, it just made me so happy, being with Reed like that. He kept saying that it was like he was my husband and I was his little wife and that this is how it will be when we’re married and I’m Mrs. Hornsby and we have our own little place… nothing has made me happier. More sex and more the Office and then, once again, falling asleep in each other’s arms.

We woke up on Sunday morning and cuddled and had sex, of course, and drank coffee in bed and then we went over to West End for Sunday brunch. It was so cute! And really good… the pancakes were delicious! And then we went back to the room and I showed Reed my new Sims game (hahaha… so nerdy) and we messed around with that and then we made love for the rest of the afternoon. Perfect.

So that’s what I’ve been up to… I’m so happy with all that, like just everything with Reed. There are other things in my life that are unsettling or unsatisfying, but at the end of the day, he’s my best friend and the love of my life and that makes everything significantly more okay.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

It's only 8:00, and I'm really really tired.

That could probably be attributed to the fact that I woke up ridiculously early this morning. 7:00 (eek!)! I don't even know why I was awake so early, judging that I didn't get back to sleep until 3:00ish and woke up frequently throughout the night in search of water since I was severely dehydrated from my exploits that night.

At any rate I woke up bright and early this morning and got to fully appreciate early morning in the city. It really is beautiful. The faint morning light was seeping in through the blinds filling the room with a soft blue light. I even heard birds chirping in the trees since there was no thudding bass and rap music coming up from the street. I opened my bedside window so I could see the rising sun casting an orange glow on the buildings outside my window. It was really peaceful and it was nice to just sit in silence and enjoy it. :-)

I've decided I'm going to learn how to play guitar! Last night I went to the Allen House just to chill and they had a pretty fucking awesome jam sesh. I really just loved that everyone could just gather together and make music, good music. And all those people are so talented. There was one guy playing the violin and another playing the banjo while also playing the harmonica. It was so just cool! I really admire people that are able to just improvise with music. That's not something I'm good at. Give me a complex piece of music and I know I could learn it, but tell me to just play and compose and I would just stare at you.

I miss having my harp. Last night when I was around all that music I wanted to be able to contribute but I couldn't play any of instruments, it made me want my harp really badly. This is why I need to learn how to play guitar. They're easy to travel with.

Also on top of the fact that all these guys are musicians, I really can't get over how they all dress so well!! Like last night for instance I'm pretty sure 75% of the guys there were wearing Nudie Jeans (I will be joining their ranks after Christmas, when I get my pair!!!) And the one guy had on a button down white shirt with the sleeves rolled up AND a vest!! Oh mah god!! I just love a guy in a vest! As Kae put it, it basically makes me come in my pants. :-P

I'm really starting to settle into a little niche here. I'm really excited that I've seemed to happen upon all these people that I can really relate to.

I'm really really happy!! :-D

September 17, 10:01 pm

Oh oh oh I forgot!! Cougz, I'm getting some more tats too!

-"I don't do sadness" on the inside of my wrist. I'm getting this one for sure, next one I get.

-Either an upside down question mark or an upside down heart on the inside of my lower ankle, covering the scar that is shaped kind of like a question mark.

-This hummingbird, whose meaning some of you might know... my grandma, and then my whole extended family, called/call me Hummingbird. I think I'm getting it on the side of my ribs, not sure which side, probably about four to five inches across. I'm getting the outline in black but getting some of it shaded with garnet and gold:)

-I also want something on the back of my neck, but I'm not sure what. I was thinking "You tell me to live," the Rocket Summer song that isn't on any albums but he always sings at the end of shows. I'm not sure about that one, but all the other ones are pretty certain.

Renee wants to get something done, she says she's always wanted one and just wants to get a little heart or something just to make sure she wants something bigger. Well now I'm really off to the shower. Byeeee!

PS Does anyone want to go see LMFAO at the Norva with me on December 8th?? Who's even back in town then?

LOVES YA.

Bailey

September 17, 9:49 pm

Mika, I feel pretty similar to you on the whole sex thing. For a long time, I felt like I dind't want to go through that phase in life where I date- I wanted to find a serious relationship, maybe THE serious relationship, and stick with that person. And there's nothing wrong with that, but the more time I spend around so many different people my age, the more I feel like I want to have that classic early-twenties lifestyle, of going out and hooking up and just taking advantage of being young and looking good. Which is not to say that I plan on being a slut, just that I want to have some harmless fun. :) And like Mika said, I've always somewhat resisted the belief that the first time is such a big freakin' deal, although, obviously, I'll probably remember it as the first time for a while, so it should be with someone I really feel, you know, drawn to in that way. But yeah, I think sex is just another thing, like it's obviously important because of the consequences it can bring about, but everything has consequences, and I'm mature enough to be responsible for myself. And that's what it comes down to.

Well my friends, classes have been going alright... the ones I've been going to, at least. :P I had tests in both psychology and statistics this week, and I think I did pretty well on both of them. Psychology was a little rough, I'm not gonna lie, but that's because it was a multiple choice and I always overthink those. Expecially since most of what we've been studying in there has been theoretical stuff. But I'm sure I got an A on my statistics test. Who knew that my easiest math class would be in college?!

Other than classes, I've been going to the gym a lot. It's kind of a bother when I'm up at 6:45 and I'm sitting in class at 1, just wanting to walk the long walk back to Smith and just take a nap, but once I get there I enjoy it, not to mention seeing all the hot boys. It's the most motivational thing I've experienced at college so far... well, other than my advisor, on whom I have a major crush. But ANYWAYS, tonight I had a College Democrats meeting which seems really cool. Pretty much anyone who's a junior or senior has done an internship with a Congressperson or Senator of something, since the Capitol is literally a mile away from campus. We're having a load of speakers come in over the next year for the big elections in 2010. I'm psyched! XD

I love that I'm making a solid group of friends. I mean, obviously I miss you guys more than I could ever say, but I like that I can text people and be like, "Hey, let's go to a movie" and we can just go and I can feel comfortable talking with them about pretty much whatever. Also, people are just generally so much easier to talk to than they were in high school. It seem like everybody is open to talking to new people because we're all testing the waters. It's like, Why shouldn't I talk to you? We're all here and know nothing about each other and we might become best friends!

Well, The Office was good, the sky is cloudy, and my hair is dirty. I'm gonna go take a shower.

Stay classy.

Bailey

oh yeah random picture from when i was flying from VA to NY. and also so that the other picture isn't the only one posted. ^_^ please don't hurt me through the computer. . . lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve!

sorry. i had to. i forogt this photo exsisted. no it's not on facebook. =p

"When they ask you what you're thinking of, say love"

"Your heart says not again, what kind of mess have you got me in.
But when the feelings there, it can lift you up or take you anywhere.
With the gravel beneath you, and the limbs above.
If anyone asks you where you're coming from, say love"

I've been thinking a lot lately about love and relationships and sex.
I realized the other day that now that I'm in college any relationship I have from this point forward should be classified as an "adult relationship". Despite the fact that I've only had one official boyfriend and two romantic relationships in my entire life, I think I'm ready for the level both emotionally and physically that comes with an "adult relationship". I came to the realization the other day over lunch with Kae and her friend, Sammy, that I'm ready to have sex. In fact, assuming my next relationship is a stable good one, I am quite positive I will have sex with the next person I'm in a relationship with. I don't want you guys to think that I'm stating this flippantly. I really mean it. I understand that sex isn't something that I should do lightly, and I should run out and have sex with just anyone. I mean, when I say I'll have sex in my next relationship I don't mean I'm going to be doing that within the first weekend or something. But realistically I've never looked at sex as being some big deal. To me sex is just another thing you do physically as your relationship progresses.
You may think that after all the drama with Tyler over a blow job that I shouldn't even be considering sex. But the thing is, I never thought that I wasn't ready to give a blow job. The thought in itself does not disgust me. It's not that I wasn't mature enough to handle that aspect of a physical relationship. I just knew that I didn't want to do that with Tyler. I knew that with him that was something I would regret. I also knew that he didn't deserve it.
Don't worry girls, I haven't gone crazy. Considering it will be my first time having sex I will be sure to be selective about the person I choose to do it with. I do want it to be special, but now that I think about my old conceptions about it-the whole waiting a certain amount of time-I just think that's so juvenile and silly. It's not like if you're not ready to do it 4 months in you'll be ready to do it 6 months in. I mean, I feel like that's something you know you want to do with someone pretty early on. For instance, I knew I didn't want to ever have sex with Tyler, and I never had intentions of having sex with Josh either (even before I realized that would never really be an issue :-P). Would I be right to assume, Lizz, that you knew you wanted to have sex with Reed pretty early on?
To clarify, I don't want you guys to think that I mean I'm going to skip all the steps that lead up to sex, physically. Certainly not. I won't rush it. And I won't do it unless I'm sure (in that particular relationship). What I'm saying is that I'm ready and if I'm given the right circumstances I'm going to go for it. I'm so ready!

"And yes we live in desperate times.
With faded words and shaky rhymes, there's only one thing here worth hoping for.
With Lucifer beneath you and God above.
If either one of them asks you what you're living of, say love."

I've also officially decided I am going to get two more tattoos. I want to get either "So Much Love" or "Improbe Amor, quid non mortalia pectora cogis!" (Cruel Love, to what do you not drive the hearts of men) right on my underwear line. Like low enough that you would never see it unless I was naked. And then I want to get either a Treble Clef or a Triplet on my left wrist (about the same size as we used to do LP). I'm considering one day getting something underneath my ankle bone on my left foot, but it'd be really tiny. That's just another interesting place I could get one, but I don't have any serious plans to get anything there. Don't worry guys, I'm not addicted to tattoos or anything. I'm never going to get anything big or anywhere that's ridiculous or not easy to hide. So what do you guys think? I thought those two tattoos were pretty simple and not things I would regret getting in the future.
I need to read psychology now, so that's it for now.

I love you guys!
-Cougzzz <3

If You Ask I’ll Never Tell. . . Well, Just This Once

More or less it kinda went like that. lol i really don't know if it was a saturday or july. that was just made up for some extra details. lol.


If You Ask I’ll Never Tell. . . Well, Just This Once
One of the most vivid and annoying memories I have was when I really had to pee and refused to use the port-a-potty. It was a Saturday in July, the summer right after my junior year at Lafayette High School. On that hot day I was sun bathing with my friends, Lizz, Bailey and Mika on the King’s Point docks. The air was thick with humidity. It smelled very earth-like because we were on the river during low tide when the water was shallow and muddy looking. The afternoon was pleasant as we caught up on what was happening in each other’s lives, listening to good music, eating snacks and enjoying each other’s company. Because it was so hot, I was drinking a lot of water to stay hydrated. “Hey Lizz, where’s the clubhouse? That’s where the bathroom is, right?” I asked. “Oh, the clubhouse is under construction so you can’t go in there. You have to use the port-a-potty instead,” answered Lizz. My face twisted up in utter disgust at the thought of using a port-a-potty. Lizz smirked at me; she knew I despised them. “They’re not that bad. Just go,” Bailey piped in. I gave her a look that was reminiscent of a dragon shooting fire out of its eyes. Bailey’s mouth curled into a smile, “o r. . .” she began to say as Mika finished the sentence. “You could just go in the river.”


All three of them were looking at me with evil grins plastered on their faces. “HECK NO!!!” I shouted. I swear, I could see the wheels turning in their brains about how funny this was going to be. They encouraged me. “Come on, it’ll be quick.” “Just get in and out.” “Little kids and fish pee all the time in the river.” It felt as if Mika, Bailey and Lizz were inching closer to me to get me to agree with them. Lizz looked me square in the eyes and said, “It’s either the river or the port-a-potty.” After a beat I said, “Fine!” as I threw my hands up in the air and surrendered. With excitement, they shouted, “YAY!” We all got up. They were grinning like fools- I was grumbling. “You guys owe me. . . you better not tell anyone. This is peer pressure!! I’m only doing this to shut you up.”


“Chrissy, you’ll be fine. We won’t tell,” assured Bailey. I walked to the edge of the dock and peeked at the water. It was brownish. Might as well get this over with, I thought to myself. I turned around squatted so that my back was facing the water. I am not jumping in. I better go feet first. I let my legs dangle over the edge of the dock and draped the rest of my upper body on the dock. The tip of my toes could touch the top of the water. “The water is further than I expected,” I reported. I looked up at my friends to find a camera faced in my direction. “What the heck is that?! Put that CAMERA away!!” I practically screeched. Bailey looked sheepishly at me and said, “Aw it’s just to document this great moment.” Mika pointed with her finger at the river and commanded in her deep evil voice, “Get in.”


Suddenly, I was getting tired and wanted to pull myself back up. “Oh my god! Something touched my toe!” It might have been a monster fish and I started freaking out. “Something…” I started to say as I lost my grip and my body slipped off the dock and into the water. All I remember hearing was screaming. I was screaming. My friends were screaming; and then they were laughing. They went into hysterics because they thought it was so funny. I, on the other hand was not amused. I was hanging off the edge of the docks with my arms raised all the way above my head. My feet were awkwardly placed on one of the poles supporting the docks. I could feel the sharpness of the barnacles that had made their home on the pole. I could not pull myself up. My friends came back to their senses and tried to pull me up. My body was in too weird a position to be pulled. One of them asked, “Should we get a noodle to try to pull you up?” “No. No. No.” I said. Then, the thought of getting a lifeguard to help crossed my mind. It completely mortified me to think that someone else would see me in my particular predicament.


After a few minutes of trying to get back up, which felt like ages, I was about to throw in the towel when Lizz suggested, “Try swimming under the dock to the other side. It’s a little bit closer to the water and there’s a random pole here you could push off of.” Lizz’s brilliance to the rescue! I did what she had instructed. I saw the pole that she was talking about. I pushed with one leg on the pole, the other I swung on top of the deck. It’s like Tae Kwon Do class, just swinging my leg in the air, I laughed to myself. Mika, Bailey and Lizz were cheering me on to get back up. “Come on you can do it!” I felt their hands on me as they helped pull me up. In the end, I was able to roll onto the dock. Exhausted and with a half smile I said, “God I hate you guys so much.” Getting up, I walked over to my stuff and gathered it into my arms. I announced, “I’m going home now,” got into the car and drove home.


When I got home I discovered cuts and bruises on my legs from getting back up on the docks. In the shower I found even more cuts on my toes from the barnacles that were on the pole which my feet were resting on. For about a week I had to use band aids for my six out of ten injured toes. I had forgiven my friends by the time I got home because I realized how stupid the whole thing was. Bailey, Mika and Lizz did feel bad, but we all laughed about it later. Ironically, I was able to hold it until I got home. Never again will I give into peer pressure. A few days after that fiasco, Bailey had posted a new video on her Facebook. Lo and behold it was of me just before the moment I felt off the dock. She labeled it, “If you ask, we’ll never tell.” True to their word, none of us have told the whole true story, until now.

September 11th, 2009

“I hold my head and know the streets are mine tonight.”

No one else writes anything! Maybe you’re all just really busy doing… whatever it is you’re doing (I wouldn’t know, you don’t write!).

What have I been doing? It’s been a week since I last posted… classes are going well. In Intro. To Comm. we’ve moved past the preliminaries on to specific theories of Communication. Symbolic Interaction Theory is the one I find most interesting… it’s very broad, but hold various tenets here and there that are actually rather insightful. The theory is based around three themes: the importance of meanings for human behavior, the importance of the self-concept, and the relationship between the individual and society. I was particularly taken in by the section on the importance of the self-concept. This theory purports that individuals develop self concepts through interaction with others and that self concepts provide an important motive for behavior- I was especially intrigued with the former of those two assumptions. Professor Waggs gave us a kind of funny example to illustrate that concept: you know how in the movie “Castaway”, Tom Hanks creates the “character” Wilson, the volleyball? This exemplifies the idea that people NEED to interact with someone (or in this case, something) in order to retain a sense of who they are and, by extension, sanity. I thought that was interesting… we also talked a lot about the “I” versus the “Me”. This part of the theory deals with the idea that we are constantly defining and evaluating ourselves based on what we think the people we’re interacting with think of us. The “I” is the spontaneous, impulsive, creative aspect of ourselves, whereas the “Me” is the reflective, socially aware aspect of ourselves, and everyone has a different balance between their “I” self and “Me” self based on how they read the responses they get from others (liberally or conservatively). Interesting stuff!

Spanish is probably my favorite class… I like the way your brain has to think in order to learn a foreign language. I like the familiarity of the patterns of foreign language. I like feeling like I’m actually gaining something concrete from my studies. I like the monotony of reading through a passage, flipping to the dictionary part of the text every other word to look up what something means. So I think Spanish is going to be something I stick with.

Into. to Euro. Hist. is also fascinating… I like that class because, frankly, I like feeling like I’m going in there knowing more than most everyone else in the class about the subject at hand. I mean, I don’t know much beyond English history, but I know English history pretty thoroughly, and I’ve picked up bits of French and Spanish history here and there, so all together that puts me quite a little bit ahead of the game. I genuinely really like history, just as a subject in its most base form, and I’m sort of wishing I could think of something to channel that interest into.

Nothing really need by said about Calculus or Geology… easy and actually interesting when I apply myself, which is rarely. So that covers all of my classes!

I had my first real meeting with my academic advisor earlier this week… I’m definitely leaning towards Political Science at the moment. I came to that conclusion when I saw a guy the other day wearing a “Beamer 2008” t-shirt (Frank Beamer is our genius of a football coach) and I had a sudden pang of longing for the more political climate of a year ago… I just realized how much I love the hype, the pomp, the idealism and the sinfulness of the political world. Everything about it- structure, coverage, key players, issues, parties, rhetoric- it all fascinates me. So maybe I should actually look into that.

Socially speaking… basically I hang out with Reed and V.J. and we watch movies! This week I bought Marie Antoinette, Pocahontas, Evita, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Mulan J. V.J. and I are actually getting to be legitimate buddies, and have actually gotten over the awkwardness of waking up and getting ready for class in the same room. Reed and I basically sleep together every night, but we try to alternate rooms… we figure that having two other people in the room rather than one isn’t that big a difference and it’s probably well worth having the room totally to themselves half the time to our roommates.

Well, that’s all for now!

P.P.S.

ahh, i keep forgetting to sign mine, though all of you can doubtless figure out who it is, but...

Love, Twinkxx

Chirp Chirp

haha, needless to say, Mika, we are having different but both good college experiences! Ahh, first of all, I can't believe it hasn't even been a month since I got here, and second of all, to answer the truth or truths or you know I never will...

--College most like i expected? uhh...yeahh, i guess i'm kindof like Mika on that...it's the whole not having to provide my mom with two phone numbers, an address and a curfew before I leave at night, and just being able to do whatever whenever

--College is least like I expected to be...umm, well, the main things, like class and everything are kindof like i expected, i guess maybe the maturity level of some people? Like, it's college, and i guess i was thinking that people would somehow automatically be more mature here? I dunno, it doesn't bother me, it just kind of surprised me how some people just never seem to get there, haha, but most people here do:)

--My biggest annoyance...hmm, i might just say the fact that it's kindof like high school everyday with the fact that i have to wake up monday-friday with either an 8 or 9am class to go to and then i'm pretty booked for the rest of my day until dinner. I think it's mainly the not being able to sleep in any day of the week except for weekends sometimes that bothers me, not the full day

--My biggest relief? classes maybe? it's not that they're really easy, cause some of them definitely aren't, but i'm not in a huge lecture hall for everything and getting lost in my work (though I understand if you appreciate the big lecture class-settings, i tend not to :) ). I only have one 50min. block a week when i'm in a big lecture hall, and other than that i have all pretty small classes, and i like all my professors. French is probably one of my favorite classes--my professor is so enthusiastic and he gives soooooo much extra credit on his quizzes that it's kindof hard to not do well, you know?

Haha, Mika, my roommate and i are aalllwwaayyss blasting music and singing, haha, she is one of those theatre and show choir, umm, obsessed people? ( i say this in a loving way, not in a derogatory way) because, if she wasn't, i probably wouldn't be able to blast my music and have her know most of the musical soundtracks i have on my computer etc. (though she has already banned me from playing All My Lovin in her presence...) haha, so she is usually singing along to something, and i am either singing along or practicing for my freaking sight-singing/ear training class.....ggrrr....i had my first hearing yesterday (getting up and singing a melody in front of the class) i don't have a problem with the singing in front of class exactly, but it's just not exactly what i want to be doing or am good at at 8am. And Mika, haha, you said your roommate doesn't curse? well, my roommate kept asking me the first couple weeks if i minded her cursing often cause she never hears me curse, haha--i was like, no, i don't really notice, i'm used to it. My roommate and i have also had lots of good chats lately, she was dating a guy she has been dating since 8th grade when she got here, and last friday or so she broke up with him, and two nights ago they got back together, haha, he's visiting this Saturday, so i'll finally get to meet him!

anyways, it sounds like you're all having fun! bailey, with you meeting some guy from a show wherever with cool people such as your roommate--i know you're enjoying college with reed, lizz, and i didn't really doubt that you would find a group to hang out with, mika, but i'm glad you have! chrissy, nice pokemon picture, haha, and your dad's back!! tell him i say hi! I'm definitely also enjoying myself, but i think i'm just a lot busier than most of you! haha, it's my fault and what i expected/wanted, but i have yet to have a problem with not having anything to do at a certain, which is good and bad...we haven't even turned our tv on in my room, though i didn't really care if we had one or not, but a group of us are watching Glee tonight!! like Lizz said, it looks like a promising show...it has good music, and it's really funny and good, haha, we have a mission to find if there's an HD channel in our lounge tv thing for Fox tonight to watch Glee!! hmm, i had my first speech today in Comm 210, and I talked about my exam for Mrs. Brooks when I didn't turn my paper in... do you remember that? that was a dark time...typing up an exam paper and completely forgetting to give it to your teacher, haha, but it made me think of AP/Honors, haha, and how things and we have changed since then and how we've remained the same...somewhat on the subject, did you guys know that Hailey is now doing a quiz everyday on the reading for APGov like Fairbairn?? haha, that's soo terrible yet good at the same time...personally, i'm glad he didn't switch until after us, but maybe their class will do overall better on the exam or something (which they also now have to pay for) well, i have to go practice, but i'll try and figure skype out or something soon (i did it with kirsten when she was living with me) and i'll talk to all of you soon!

P.S. my title is reminiscent of the football game i attended the other day, yeah i had noooo idea what was going on, but it's one of the chant things the student section will start, and so much better than anything such as gobble gobble...cardinals are so much cooler than hokies, any day

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Ok so VCU is officially the place with all the lookalikes. I don't think I've ever seen so many people that look like people I know. And it's not just like one person it's like multiple people. There's about 3 guys that look like David, 4 or 5 guys that look like my brother, 3 or 4 guys that look like Josh, and even a guy that looks like Ben. AHHH!

First I’m going to answer Lizz’s truth or truth question:

>College is most like I expected it to be in that you have total free will. You get to decide when you eat, when you study, when you sleep, when and if you go to class. You get total responsibility of your life and your time. I love that!

>College is least like I expected it to be in that I have way more free time then I ever expected. In high school everyone always told you that you were constantly going to be studying and doing homework, but I have yet to feel like I don’t have enough time to do homework as well as take a nap and then spend an hour or two just lurking around on facebook.

>My biggest relief about college life is the fact that I’m starting to have a group of people I can always hang out with. When I first got here I was really nervous that I wouldn’t ever really get to know anyone except the people I live with. But I’m starting to meet people outside of my suite and outside of the nursing program!

>My biggest annoyance is not being able to sing and listen to my music loud on a daily basis. It drives me crazy! It goes along with not having much privacy, because even when I’m alone in my room I don’t feel comfortable turning my music up too loud or singing really loud because I know the other people in my suite will be able to hear me and probably get annoyed.

You guys have to answer too!!

So I know I've expressed my increasing irritation with my roommate to Lizz, but I figured I should fill you guys all in on that. Don't get me wrong it's not like I hate her, and we certainly get along and talk a lot and have a good time together...but she's just way to intense for one thing and also between her and her best friend, Erica (another nursing student) I basically want to kill myself when I'm around them for too long. They're both so naive, not to mention incredibly, ridiculously conservative and religious. Like right now, Grace is at a Chi Alpha meeting (which is a campus ministry/sorority). This weekend was definitely the turning point in my figuring out that I won't ever be able to be best buddies with these girls. Mainly it's because I had a really good beginning of the weekend hanging out with Kae and her friends and I finally came to the realization that those were the kind of people I wanted to get closer with, not girls like my roommate and her friends.

So this past weekend we had a four day weekend thanks to Labor Day and the fact that I don't have Friday classes. I was slightly skeptical about how I was going to find a way to amuse myself for four days straight. :-S I don't know if any of you guys are having this problem of having incredible amounts of time on your hands, but it's definitely a problem for me. Probably the leading reason for my new obsession with damn Farmville on Facebook. At any rate, Me and Kae had made plans to go to Carytown on Friday afternoon so I could go to this store called Need Supply which sells these amazing jeans called Nudie Jeans that I'm asking for, for Christmas. We braved the Richmond GRTC bus system and bused it out to Carytown successfully (we were very proud of ourselves). Then when we tried to head back to Monroe Park we ended up getting on the wrong bus and ended up in this really high class residential section of the city where all the houses are enormous and have walls and gates in front of the houses and fountains in the front yards. I want to live there. It reminded me of Shaker Heights in Cleveland where my cousins live and where I've been heart set on living for quite awhile now. The bus driver was really nice though when we realized we were on the wrong route and she took us back to Monroe Park, so it was all good.

That evening we decided to join the trendy hipsters of Richmond and go to First Friday on Broad St. First Friday is an event that happens on the first friday of every month and it's when all the art galleries on Broad St. open up for the night to the public, free of admission. There's also lots of little booths set up on the sidewalks with jewelry and food, and also live music. It's really hip and cool and all the people there that aren't college students are like rich, trendy 20 and 30 somethings. Kae and I agreed we're going to go every Friday since we felt so trendy being a part of it. I also met one of Kae's friends, Lauren (she actually had the same back surgery as me, so we bonded over that). Lauren's really nice and Kae, me, and her are considering trying to find an apartment and living together next year. :-D Also while we were at First Friday we ran into some of Kae's upperclassmen friends. I'd met them before-the night I went clubbing with Kae and her friend Sammy. I got back to my dorm around 11:30 and was getting ready to call it a night, when Kae texted me asking if I wanted to go to a party with her, her boyfriend Tyler, and her friend, Andy. The party was actually a pretty small gathering of people at this apartment which was overtop of a 24 hour diner. It was nice and really chill. I got to actually talk to some people and no one was getting drunk. We all had a drink or two and some people were smoking somewhere and we were just listening to music. It was really funn! Then at like 2:00 me, Kae, and Tyler decided to go to the diner and get milkshakes. Let me tell you...that was the best fucking milkshake I'd ever had.

One thing that still ceases to amaze me is the fact that there are policeman everywhere in this city and I have been intoxicated while around them multiple times and I'm not even worried for a second that I'll get in trouble. It's like they kind of expect it of all of us, and honestly in Richmond there's a lot more important things to be concerned about besides drunk college kids. It's just so weird saying hi to a cop on the street while you're completely conscious of being intoxicated. Heehee.

Oh and I also should mention that while I was at that party thing I chatted it up with Kae's friend, Andy, and he is verrrrrrry cute. :-D

To elaborate more on the incompatibility between me and my roommate and her friends is the fact that they don't even curse. They say things like "what the crap" and "poo". I want to kill myself every time I hear one of them say the word "poo"!!! Also they're really religious in the sense that none of them want to have pre-marital sex and Erica informed me the other day that she didn't even kiss her boyfriend until 9 months into the relationship. WTF?!?!? Needless to say, there's no way I am ever going to completely relate to them. My new mission is to spend my time trying to shock them whenever I'm around by telling them about all the wild , raunchy things I've done (even if these adventures are stretching the truth a little ;-P)

Hmm, the only other thing I meant to write about is how I'm eager to find new guy friends in order to focus my attention on. Not even just because I want someone to release all this pent up need for physical stuff. As most of you know I have not talked to Tyler at length or had any real contact with him since he left for college. Since Tyler was the last person for me to be physically or romantically involved with I guess it was natural for me to feel some sort of attatchment to him once I left. Now I realize, as I should have realized ages ago, that he's a total douchebag. And what kills me the most about all this is that I really cared about him, you know? I cared about him as a friend first and foremost and now I feel like I just wasted all this time and energy on someone that probably never took our relationship seriously in the first place. How do you come back from that? How do you make yourself realize that it wasn't a waste of time? And if it really was, how do you make yourself come to terms with that? It sucks. And I just really want to find someone else that I can exert energy on that will NOT end up being a TFRJD (for anyone that does not know that stands for total fucking retard jackass douchebag)!

I hope I didn't bore you guys with this really long, kind of rambly post, but I thought I should let you know what's been going on with me both concerning events as well as stuff I've been thinking about.

Love You Guys!

-Cougzz