March Madness

Soooo. That was weird I guess. Alex and I are no longer together. But what?! Was he like forcing himself the whole time or something?! His text said

“I need to talk to you though. I wanted to do it in person… but every time I try it doesn’t work out..lol”
“this still doesn’t feel right… I feel like with a friend… not a girlfriend. It’s not your fault and I promise everything I said to you I meant. You are amazing and beautiful… I should like you but I don’t like you more than a friend… I tried but it’s just not something you can force.. I’m really sorry.”

It really is such a bummer. I liked him a lot. But whatever. He said that he just likes me as a friend. He wanted to stop things before they got more complicated. I told that I wouldn’t want to be friends with benefits. He said, to him it sort of felt that way… but I think it’ll be all right.

When I got to his house I asked if we could go for a walk to like get out of the house. (He wasn’t feeling good today. He might be getting sick. Heh heh I wanted to be like, “you better feel like crap because my day was crappy but you just made it shitty!!”) I told him to man up because it sucked to find out through text. He told me that he wanted to tell me yesterday but his parents kept coming in. He sent me the text because he couldn’t wait. I said, “From one friend to another, you could have just asked for a walk or something. Man up. Okay?” oh and I told him, “Not that it would matter to you or anything but, I highly suggest you work on your hugs. You give these weird retarded side hugs. I dunno I’m just a hug-y person hah” Man I should have realized that his awkward hugs would be a sign that this might not have worked out =p

Sometimes I wish I could be a bitch about stuff but now I don’t really care anymore. (and I think it’s just hard for me in general to intentionally be a bitch to someone) I’m more concerned about the new friends I made!!! Hahah Alex said that it doesn’t have to be awkward, which is good because I don’t want it to be. Hmm maybe I was more into the idea of having a boyfriend that…. I mean like he would reach for my hand. Or automatically put his arm around my shoulder when we would sit next to each other. It felt right. The fucking kid even texted me before, “I’m glad I decided to stick it out with you :)” GAH! HE’S SUCH A GIRL!

Okay. Not going to do that over thinking and “what if” bullshit.
Hahah if anything I was like, “Alrighty God, what the fuck am I suppose to learn from this?” hahah (please excuse my language xD)

Oh something random, I texted Mark, “Hey Mark is it weird for a girl to tell her guy friend to ‘man up’? hahahahaha” He replied, “No! I think that if that’s what you think then you should tell that guy to step up to the plate as a man ” lolol so that was cool! (no I’m not going to start liking Mark again…. That’s just too exhausting for me and you all too. lol) ohh well another relationship has come and gone… not even two weeks. =P

Lots of things have been happening lately. I found out a few weeks ago that my Auntie Lynn has cancer. It has spread to her ovaries. She’s getting treatment. If it doesn’t work she’ll have 6 months to live. It’s weird you hear about that sort of thing on TV or in books. But it’s happening close to my heart. Auntie Lynn lives out in Cali and has 3 kids. (All older than me but I love them all dearly) This woman built her very own dance company and it’s pretty well known in Cali. I haven’t heard about how she’s doing. But it’s hard to take in. and she’s definitely one of those relatives that I want to get to know more about but distance makes it difficult. So send a prayer/positive thoughts out please.

After Easter Sunday Dad is leaving for Iraq. He’ll be there for about nine months. He’s talking about a third deployment. I guess I feel indifferent about it. Well maybe not indifferent… just expecting it. Erm it’s just who my dad is. I mean I love him and hope for his safely you guys know that!! But yeah, I’m fine with just supporting and sending love I guess.
Mom got accepted in into the William and Mary Grad program!! Yaya!! Plus she has a job offer that I think she really wants. She’d be building a new program from the ground up. (that’s pretty much along the same lines of what my Dad is doing--- building a new program from the ground up)


I am going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes


And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about where I want to go after TNCC. Yeah I’ve been saying William and Mary but I think I was just saying that to have a school name to throw out there you know? Actually, I’m ready to get the hell out of here. When my dad would say stuff like, “ah yes I can just picture you going to W&M and staying here…. Yada yada” it would make me want to cry. I feel like I’m trapped here. It’s ridiculous. I understand they have good intentions when they say they want me to reach my full positional, but seriously back off. I just want to get out from under this grand shadow of my parents. You guys get what I mean? As much as W&M has the name and such, I care more about leaving than a good name behind my name.

I mean I don’t need W&W to get where I want to go!! I mean sure it help some more but damn it! I want to have fun!! I don’t want to be around people who only care about studying and has the unofficial motto of, “I can’t. I have to study.” I”ve actually met people who are going places and didn’t go to flippin’ W&M!! My cousin’s friend Chris for example is going to fucking China for a year to teach!! He spent semesters in South America, twice in Greece and has been to Thailand!! He went to freakin’ CNU! So there’s proof right there!! Lolol.

(Okay please don’t come through the computer and strangle me =p) But I’ve been thinking VTech lately. I dunno, I really really like the atmostsphere. It’s far away enough to be not too close. There’s just something about Tech that feels… comfortable? Right? Nice? I love that it’s a college town and majority of the people are our age!! The food is good too. lol
Sure you may think, who the fuck transfers to tech for Education?? Lol but whatever! I’m not worrying about that yet. I haven’t gotten that feeling about any other school than Tech. SO at least I have something to work towards you know?

I’m planning on telling my parents definitely after Daddy is safely across the pond. xD

And so the Alex chapter was short and sweet. And it’s cool. I’m pretty sure that I’ll be friends with him. This relationship is nothing to cry over. Besides I got some Chinese food, went for a long walk in the rain and danced around a bit. So it’s cool.
Really, I’m done with worrying about things I can’t control. I’ve got bigger things to spaz about. =p

I miss you guys and love you lots!!! If anything I can’t wait to see you all and get good decent hugs from all of you!! What can I say? I’m a hug-y touchy-feely person?

<3

_Chrissy_