It’s really happening. In two days I’ll be leaving for college… Bailey, Mika, and Katie are already gone. I always thought I’d be more emotional about this, but it’s felt like we’ve been in the process, both physically and mentally, of leaving for so long that I’ve become numb, in a sense, to the idea that we’re all officially on our own now. Every time I said goodbye, I never really felt like I meant it. I think that things like this must always sort of be an anticlimax… we don’t just all disappear off the grid at once, but rather we slowly slip away, and we’ve been undergoing that process for the entirety of the past year.
I asked Reed, “Won’t you miss your friends and family?” He replied, “Yes, but I’m bringing the most important one with me.” It’s very true… I would be an emotional wreck right now if Reed were leaving me. Does that mean that I care about him more than I do anyone else? Yes, and no, if I’m being honest. It’s the strangest thing, when you realize that you love someone more than you love your own family, more than you love anyone else in the world… terrifying, really, the intensity of that feeling. Maybe this is all just youthful excess, or maybe this is a rare, true thing, but the way I feel about Reed… I don’t think everyone gets to feel this way in his or her lifetime.
At the same time that I’m so whole-heartedly dependent on someone else for my own stability and happiness (and it’s hard for me to admit to that, as well it should be), I’ve never been happier in-and-of myself. I’ve learned over the past year to admire myself like never before, and not just my mental and emotional capabilities; I appreciate my own physical beauty in a way that is new and exciting to me. I’m not meaning to come across like being all “I’m so hot”, but… I’m so hot. It’s a fantastic thing, being constantly turned on by yourself. I’m turned on by myself, by my youth and vitality and by the changes in color and tone that come with summertime: long, blonde hair, that I can’t resist brushing at every opportunity, just for the pleasure of seeing and feeling the way it falls in shimmery, summery curtains over my slim shoulders… tan, unblemished skin that looks so God-damned inviting and sensual against new white cotton panties… legs that will never be sleeker, breasts that will never be firmer, a stomach that will never be flatter, and a sense of desire that will never be stronger.
Part of the reason behind this change in attitude is Reed, who compliments my looks a hundred times a day (and that is just barely an exaggeration), who is constantly in praise of the feminine curves of my figure, who seems so in awe of every little motion and gesture I make that it’s impossible not to be infected by some of his appreciation for me on a purely physical level. Part of it is undoubtedly the sex: it goes beyond frequent to the point of “nearly constant”, and is always and in wildly varied ways an act of such pure pleasure that is instills an inescapable sense of confidence and worthiness. But it’s not just the sex itself, it’s the pure sensuality of the sex… this is not your basic idea of sex, this is something more intimate, more taboo, more loving, more daring, more generous, and more reckless than the act itself can ever be, and therefore infinitely more satisfying. Finally, part of it is just a product of finally growing into myself, as we all have done- the awkward stages have passed and this is the start of the period of our lives known as “our physical peek”. It’s more than just growing out of acne and coming into proportion: it’s learning how to dress, learning how to wear our hair and make-up, learning how to comport ourselves with the opposite sex, and finally attaining the effortless charm and grace of the particular type of youth who have had every comfort and luxury we could reasonably want for, juxtaposed with the brilliance and intensity of people who are still hungry for and desirous of everything. There is no more attractive combination, as far as I can reckon.
We are all at our prime, and we should all be this enamored of ourselves… we’re all so young and every part of us is so bursting with sensuality, and there’s a deeper sort of pleasure that comes from living with the terrible awareness of that youth and sensuality. It’s realizing how much you appreciate the way your lips feel on your tongue, the hollow above your collarbone, your navel when you’re lying stretched and taut on your back, fingertips and inner thighs and the arch of your feet. This sort of awareness leads to a healthier approach to living as well as greater emotional satisfaction, I believe… when you appreciate and value your body and looks so highly, bad habits are less appealing. You don’t feel driven to put unnatural, unhealthy foods into your body. You wake up with the drive to stretch your legs and move. It’s not a motivation to diet or exercise or anything along those lines… it’s a motivation to live with an elegance and simplicity that matches that of your body. It’s something that I want for all of you. Everyone should live with this awareness and this motivation and the sense of fulfillment that they give.
Sexuality is an interesting thing. Reed and I had a lengthy discussion the other day that shed some light, not on answers, but on more fitting questions for me. Why do the things that turn us on, turn us on? What is okay to own up to, what is inappropriate to admit? If I could ask girls to do one thing to greatly improve the quality of their lives, as silly as this may seem, it would be a request that they never shy away from aspects of physical intimacy that seem unusual, taboo, or even unappealing when looked at in the cold, hard light of day. I would hope that they would find someone with whom they could indulge their most exotic desires, fetishes, and fantasies. There is nothing more fulfilling, more thrilling, more intoxicating than indulging in what’s strange and pleasant and entirely unfamiliar, and it breaks my heart to think that there are people who have never taken all the right risks, never expressed curiosity or interest in something new, and never been rewarded, as a result, with the experience of finding out that something totally unexpected gets you off. Sex has never been more talked about, experimentation has never been more encouraged… a person’s sex life should never be something conventional.
This entry seems to have taken on an unexpected but rather pervasive theme- the words “physical”, “mental”, “emotional” seem to dominate the text, coming through to the reader like some sort of chant or mantra. At the core of things, those words really do capture, as well as words can ever capture any real sentiment, what this is all about, this human experience. We’re starting a new chapter in our lives, in which we have the opportunity to satisfy those capacities, to make peace with them and all of their demands, to be more aware of just what it takes to be fulfilled in a sense, and to set a tone, of satisfaction or reservation, for the rest of our lives. I intend to live beautifully over these next four years… but I recognize that it’s easier for me to say that than for some others. I’m in love, and that really does make all the difference when it comes to your approach to the future foremost, present secondly, and even the past when you have some ghosts and some skeletons lingering around like most of us do. I hope all of you find love. I hope all of you find meaningful, exciting, lasting, overwhelming love, or if not that, then whatever in the world could possibly be substituted for that that will make you feel the full extents of your own drive and your own satisfaction, if there is any such thing. I want us all to live beautifully.
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